Hangover Helper

A dead scientist once made the profound discovery that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. This is true in physics, and it can be applied to most every other aspect of life — including drinking. Here's an example: Action: A night of carousing, including a couple Long Island iced teas, several JellO shots, a vodka/KoolAid mix, several Moonshine shots (Mississippi and West Virginia only) and a bottle of champagne, all chased by a six pack of Bud Light. Reaction: Assuming you make it to a sleepable surface unscathed, the toofamiliar feeling that someone is sawing your skull in half as punishment for the previous night's alcohol intake. In the worst cases the stomach refuses to keep food down, concentration on the simplest things is an impossible task and the only possible activity for about 12 hours is sitting in a dark room watching The History Channel with the volume turned all the way down. In this case, the reaction is a hangover, alcohol's evil — and usually latearriving, alterego. Everyone has a horror stories about their worst hangover. Most of them go something like this: Drink an obnoxious amount, usually bouncing back and forth between different types of alcohol, forget some of what happened, vomit, vomit, vomit, pass out, vomit, pass out, vomit, pass out, wake up (the next morning), vomit some more, sit in a dark room and wonder why you drank so much the night before. Everyone also has their own "miracle cure" for hangovers. Whether it is drinking orange juice before bed or coffee in the morning, everyone knows how to take care of a hangover. There are even companies that market hangover cures. One of them, Pharb, touts itself as "The Ultimate Hangover Relief." But will anything really prevent and/or cure the dreaded hangover? Much as everyone hates to hear it, no. There is only one method by which one can completely avoid a hangover, and that is the one no one ever wants to hear: Don't drink in the first place. If that's not a viable option for you, there are a few things you can do to make your hangover less severe. The Global Hangover Guide suggests drinking two spoonfuls of olive oil before drinking. This is supposed to work by preventing alcohol from entering your bloodstream. But that leaves all the alcohol you drank for naught (if getting drunk is, in fact, your objective.) If you skip the oil and drink to get drunk, keep in mind the popular "liquor then beer and you're in the clear, beer then liquor and you'll get sicker" mantra. The carbonation in beer speeds the body's absorption of alcohol, so drinking beer then liquor would cause the latter to be absorbed at a faster rate than it would normally, leaving you sicker. Plus, we drink liquor faster than we do beer, which is more filling. So, switching from beer to liquor is likely to speed up your rate of liquor consumption after you're already halfway towards being in the bag. Other ways to ease your hangover can start as late as the morning after a night of carousing, though the earlier you start, the better. The most important remedy is quite simple: Rehydrate your body. Whether it's water, orange juice, 7Up or chicken soup, fluid is essential to speeding your recovery. Another thing to do is eat, even if you don't feel like it. The alcohol you drink takes a toll on your body. Your body has exhausted its resources in processing the alcohol and you need to get nutrition of some kind. To deal with the splitting headache that ensues due to enlarged blood vessels in your head, don't do anything fancy. You can tackle this the same way you would a runofthemill headache: With aspirin and a cold washcloth. Coffee doesn't hurt either, but be careful because too much caffeine is a recipe for dehydration. Drinking more alcohol has potentially dangerous consequences, and will only bring temporary relief — but it might ease the headache and general feeling of wanting to die. Barracuda Magazine suggests a Bloody Mary in the morning, which also replenishes your body with many of the nutrients you need anyway. For the nutrients without the extra vodka, try a Virgin Mary. As a general rule, hangovers suck. And of all the remedies floating around the Internet and college dorm rooms, none are perfect. The hangover, however awful, is the price you pay for drinking too much. Just make sure you don't get hooked on The History Channel. Reid Epstein likes a combination of chicken soup and jelly donuts to cure his hangovers.