A man walks into a bar. He looks at the
voluptuous blonde seated next to him and asks
innocently, "Why don't you sit on my lap, and
we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?"
She giggles delightedly, and they go home
together.
Yeah, that might happen.
Pickup lines can be one of the cheesiest elements
of the American social scene. Skanky men approach
tubetopped nightclub sluts and ask them if their
father stole the stars out of the sky or if they
are an angel fallen from heaven. In maybe one out
of a thousand cases, the woman actually takes the
bait and offers a dance — or maybe more. But more
often than not, superobvious lines just don't
work.
"Pickup lines are a big turnoff," says Sarah
Tierney, a junior at the George Washington
University. "Guys say stuff like 'What's your
name? Can I take a shower with you?' It's so
gross. The worst part is that you know he's tried
that same line on half the girls in the place."
"Why do people think that pickup lines are
sexy?" asks Elizabeth Hoeffner, a senior at
Dartmouth College. "Guys use these gross, worn
out lines."
Guys aren't the only ones on the lookout for a
mate, however; women often approach guys in the
hope of kindling a quick romance, or maybe just
for some flirting entertainment. Women twirl
their hair and reveal some leg then offer subtle,
innocuous questions like, "Do you come here
often?" or "Didn't I see you once in a college
soccer game?" to lure men in.
Forth Bagley, a junior at Yale University, says
girls use more subtle techniques to express
interest. "The other day a girl in my apartment
building knocked on the door, and when I answered
she giggled at me and asked if I had a Bruce
Springsteen CD she could borrow. It was kind of
lame."
There are a few distinct types of pickup lines.
The outrageously forward ("Nice shoes, wanna
fuck?") works in some cases, whereas a more
clever line ("Do you believe in love at first
sight or should I walk by again?") gets a laugh
and may make you look mildly sweet. Sometimes a
bizarre comment works best, like "You're so hot
you melt the plastic in my underwear." Then there
are disgustingly graphic lines best suited for
the extremely drunk: "You have over 200 bones in
your body. Want another?"
"A line I like to use," says Chris Hawkins of
California State University, Chico, "is 'Would
you like to see my pickle?' It could mean a
multitude of shit, but it breaks the ice, and
loosens girls up. Most chicks are intimidated by
the penis, so by talking about it up front, it
seems to relax them, and let the conversation
begin."
Of course, not all pickup lines have to be
obvious. An innocent query often does the trick,
like "Hey, can I join you?" or "Have you tried
the margaritas here?" More forward types
can "accidentally" bump into someone,
and "inadvertently" grab a part of his or her
body to keep from falling — but this could get
you slapped or sued if you grab the wrong part.
Be careful, and make sure that a biker resembling
The Rock isn't also pursing the target of your
affections.
Toni Konkoly, a junior at Macalester College,
bartends during the summer and hears more than
her share of drunken pickup lines. "People who
seriously try to use pickup lines are definitely
major losers," she says. The worst lines she's
ever heard are "Do you come here often?"
and "Wanna get a sixpack and fuck?" She says
that when lines fail, guys often try to send
drinks to women; the girls like the drinks, but
the ploy rarely succeeds.
She also finds that guys ask about her eyebrow
ring, like if it hurts or if she has any other
piercings. They then proceed to tell her how sexy
the piercing is, as if that is going to arouse
her. Konkoly says that guys usually use pickup
lines as a leadin to asking for a phone number
or name — or making a move.
Nobody admits to using pickup lines, but
everyone's guilty of trying them at some point.
Whether they're subtle or comically blatant, at
least they make for good stories. So the next
time someone says to you, "Hey, what's your
sign?" don't get annoyed. Instead,
tell 'em, "It's a stop sign, and you better slow
down."
