Cheap Swills, Cheap Thrills

Two dozen thirsty friends just stopped by, and your wallet's as empty as your refrigerator. You pass a hat, scrounging together a small pile of crumpled greenbacks, but it's not nearly enough for decent suds. Dashing to the liquor store, you know that two sixpacks of microbrewed goodness will satisfy your friends for about two minutes; so once again, it's gotta be huge vulgar quantities of lowly, watery swill. <p> The need for quantity over quality is obvious. The real question is, which bad beer should you buy? Which brand provides the most brewbang for the buck? Which will leave the masses buzzed, quenched and content, and which will send them crawling to the toilet, clenching their guts and shrieking your name in wrathful curses? For the answer, we undertook a highly scientific, multihour study of a wide selection of nastyass brewski. <p> Our panel of six judges consisted of five guys and one girl, all weathered college beer drinkers from a range of backgrounds. They tasted 14 bad beers in a blind taste test and rated the beers on a scale of 0 (worst) to 10 (best), giving their reactions along the way. Scores were then averaged to yield a composite score for the brew, which was then divided by the pricepersixpack of the product at Blanchard's Liquor Store in Allston, Massachusetts, to yield a Bad Beer Value Ratio or BBVR. Thus, the beers with the highest BBVR are best. Some bad beers such as Olympia and Rainier were not available for the study. Beers were sipped from a glass after being poured from a can, with each judge consuming them in random order. <p> In general, judges agreed all of the beers were vomitinducing, and discouraged consumption of these products outside of extremely desperate situations. The overall average score for the sampled beers was a whopping 2.96 out of 10. As further testament to the horror of the hooch, the words "puke" and "piss" were used by judges 23 times. <p> <font size=+1 face=arial>Results</font> Ballantine Ale: The contest's surprise winner comes in menacing, pukegreen 16 oz. cans. Why did it win? Because it had a flavor, irrespective of its quality, that stood out among so many watery, tasteless options. "Decent, actually tastes like hops, the best of all," effused a judge. "It's darker and sweeter, but not necessarily better," warned another. "Tastes like it might not even be cheap beer!" suspected another, though a less enthusiastic sampler asked, "Who could brew such crap?" Scores given: 476708: Total score: 32 Average score: 5.33 Price: $4 BBVR: 1.33 <p>Milwaukee's Best: The Beast, a venerable favorite, was said to be "not bad, with some taste" by one judge, while another compared the drink to "urine." Scores given: 163324: Total score: 19. Average score: 3.17 Price: $3.19 BBVR: 0.99 <p>Hamm's: By far the cheapest beer of the lot, Hamm's was said to be "sour piss" by one judge, though its unbeatably low price boosted its ranking. Scores given: 033234: Total score:15. Average score: 2.5 Price: $2.69 BBVR: 0.93 <p>Natural Light: Widely regarded nationwide as the quintessential cheap beer, Natty Light received mixed reviews. "Semibuttery, semisour," said one judge, probably late in his rounds. "Tastes cheap, but it's tangy!" enthused another. Scores given: 542432: Total score: 20. Average score: 3.33 $3.69 BBVR: 0.90 <p>Busch: "Drinkable, if you really want to drink it," said a judge. "Thin, but at least it tastes like beer," offered another critic. Scores given: 426333: Total score: 21: Average score: 3.5 $4.19 BBVR: 0.84 <p>Miller Highlife: "Rancid" and "mildewy" were both used in describing the taste of High Life. "Definitely has that cheap beer taste," said a judge, "It's pretty watery." Scores given: 344324 Total score: 20. Average score: 3.33 Price: $4.29 BBVR: 0.78 <p>Bud Light: Sample was described as "tasteless; harmless and tasteless." Another called it "Watery — no taste." A third judge concurred: "Water! This is water!" Scores given: 355344: Total score: 24 Average score: 4 Price: $5.19 BBVR: 0.77 <p>Budweiser: "Tastes like beer, only thinner," a comment from one judge, summed up the lukewarm ratings given to Bud. "It's not that bad, and not that good," remarked another. Scores given: 443254: Total score: 22 Average score: 3.67 Price: $5.19 BBVR: 0.71 <p>Rolling Rock: "Wheaty, and okay for bad beer," said a judge of Rolling Rock, a beer that always draws divided opinions. "Good like warm butter," said another proponent. "Frat boy trash punch" and "Awful, simply awful" came out as detractors' comments. Scores given: 441621: Total score: 18 Average score: 3.0 Price: $5.29 BBVR: 0.57 <p>Carling Black Label: "Sort of reminds me of thin, watery puke," suggested a sampler. "Really yuck," wrote another. "Watery. Tastes like nothing." Scores given: 112222 Total score: 10 Average score: 1.67 $2.99 BBVR: 0.56 <p>Marketing studies have shown that knowing the price of a beer affects how individuals react to a beer's taste. Sell good beer for cheap, and drinkers only assume they're drinking swill; mark up pissy draught, and watch customers extol the exceptional quality of hops. <p> Our study demonstrated that cheaper, more obscure brews offer better bang for your buck; the two Coors beers came in dead last, while the mysterious Ballantine Ale stole the top spot. Picking an unknown brand for your parties also makes coverup easier. Your friends know that Milwaukee's Best is cheap beer, so they assume it's bad and accuse you of bad taste. Serve them Ballantine Ale, tell them it's a delicious new import from Prague, and they'll praise you all night long (though probably not the next morning). <p>When it comes to bad beer, don't believe commercial hype. Bad beer is nasty, so suck it up and chug plenty down. Shun beer snobbery — you're in college after all. And remember, bad beer is like any beer: after a few, no one can tell the difference anyway. <p> Chuck Kapelke is the events editor for Boston Magazine. <p>